If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
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we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
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I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
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