wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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