This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
