OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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