My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
where does the pee come out of this thing
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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