guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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