2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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