Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
