You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
