Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
