my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Randomize
