Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
