PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
