So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
