i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
