Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
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