the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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