Need sex. Gaining weight.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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