Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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