I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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