there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
