I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
