well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
