Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
