still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
