I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
