i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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