Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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