My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
