I got chris browned last night
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
