Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
