My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
