got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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