I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
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I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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