Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
wakey wakey hands off snakey
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
