No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
