it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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