cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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