I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
