I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
