I can text with my tongue
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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