No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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