I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
