her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
