This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
