What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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