she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
