im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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