I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
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