i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
