I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
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