I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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