theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
