i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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