If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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