Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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