I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
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