ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
