Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
just tell him i said nine months
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Randomize
