dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
