Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I am midnight drunk by noon
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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