Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
