Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
